Who will win a six-figure contract with the UFC, a hundred-thousand-dollar contract with Xyience and the right to get absolutely smashed by the UFC middleweight or welterweight champion?   We’ll all find out this Saturday when “The Ultimate Fighter 4: The Comeback” reaches its dramatic finale on Spike TV.

Chris Lytle v. Matt Serra

Matt Serra is like a Teddy Ruxpin doll that occasionally gets really pissed off and gives someone a wicked trash talking, kicks them in the head and chokes them out.   He’s full of warmth and kindness, but if you cross him there’s a good chance you’ll wake up in a hospital bed wearing a man-diaper and a full body cast.  Of course, Chris Lytle is the kind of guy who can beat you at Trivial Pursuit, fix your car, sleep with your girlfriend and build a designer coffee table, while mixing a killer martini with one hand and stealing your wallet with the other.  He’s got skills in so many areas, he makes MacGyver look as clumsy and awkward as a drunken hobo who accidentally stumbles into an all-militant-feminist tap dancing class.  Who wins this one?  Tragically, I’ll have to pick Lytle by decision.   
 
Patrick Cote vs. Travis Lutter

What do Patrick Cote, Chris Leben, Denis Kang and Ed Herman have in common?  They’ve all lost to Joe Doerksen and then gone on veritable killing sprees.   What is it about a loss to “El Dirte” that drives people to come back harder than ever?  My guess: having him choke you is bad enough, but to then see him get drunk and wander around a bar reeking of Burger King and licorice nibs while offering someone a hundred dollars to punch him in the face?  That is more than the mind can stand.   Hence, they go into a manic state of training which thrusts them to the next level.  Has Cote improved enough to beat Lutter?   I don’t think so – and before anyone mentions how Lutter KO’d Marvin Eastman allow me to mention that Eastman went into that fight with an undiagnosed concussion, compliments of a training session with Tito Ortiz and, unbeknownst to everyone, was in a state where even a tiny bird landing on his head would have knocked him out.  Therefore, if you are going to chat about Lutter KO’ing Cote with his “wicked striking” please do so at a distance sufficient enough to require me to get out of my La-Z-boy recliner and take my nachos off my lap before I would be able to slap you.   Thank you.  Lutter by submission.

Rich Clementi vs. Din Thomas

Rich “No Love” Clementi was undoubtedly the driving force behind the decision to name his team “Team No Love”.  Considering he lost in the first round, I honestly wonder how the rest of the team felt about having that name for the rest of the show.  Maybe they were all more concerned with the bigger picture, and the very real possibility that, very soon, they would get punched very hard in the face by the guy in the house who keeps eating their asparagus.  However, if I were a superstitious type, I would be none-too-happy living under the cursed umbrella of that team name.  Of course, I have been diagnosed with a veritable Neapolitan ice-cream swirl of mental disorders, so I might be off the mark considerably.  Thomas by submission.

Edwin Dewees vs. Jorge Rivera

I wonder if the axe-wound to Dewees’ forhead ever healed.  I think it would be cool if that thing were to spring open at inappropriate moments and soak people with blood.   You know – job interviews, weddings, birthdays – that sort of thing.   Will it still be tender enough for Rivera to exploit in true “El Conquistador” style?  Will Dewees’ forehead make the same mistake as ancient South American cultures and unknowingly welcome a Spanish invasion?    My guess: blood and somersaults.  Rivera by TKO.

Jeremy Jackson vs. Pete Spratt

Both these guys could kick a lit cigarette out of your mouth from ten feet away.  Of course, they would break your jaw while doing it, but that’s what you get for not having your hands up – and why did you go into the ring smoking a cigarette anyway?  My guess: Jackson gets a takedown and a submission.

Scott Smith vs. Pete Sell

Sells’ head is shaped almost exactly like a light bulb.  Speaking of which, you don’t have to be to bright to see what’s going to happen here: Sell will drive Smith into the fence and Smith will defend the takedown  the same way he has in his previous fights; by turning and allowing Sell to leap directly into his back like an enraged bulb-headed howler monkey.  News flash: defending a takedown by turning your back is like locking a bank vault but leaving all the cash out on the sidewalk.  Sell by submission. 

Gideon Ray vs. Charles McCarthy

Perhaps it was the editing, but McCarthy didn’t seem like the happiest dude in the house.  Of course, when you’re living with a bunch of hooligans you either have to join the tribe of madness or become the victim of their insane pranks.  It appears that McCarthy fell into category B: victim.  Personally, I’m pretty sure I would murder someone with a steak knife if I were locked in a home for the mentally unbalanced for six weeks.  Can “Chainsaw” McCarthy take Gideon Ray down?   Probably, but there is a tiny voice in my head saying Ray will win by TKO.  This is not the same voice that tells me to burn things.

Thales Leites vs. Martin Kampmann

Leites is a jiu jitsu fighter coming off a submission win over “Pele” and a decision over Osami Shibuya.  Kampmann is a kickboxer from Denmark who has never been submitted and has a record of 13-2.  Tragically, this fight will probably go straight to video, much like the last several Steven Seagal movies.  My guess?  Leites by submission.