The UFC has had a lot of re-matches, re-re-matches and mis-matches but this is the first time they’ve ever had a re-re-mis-match.  Shamrock has fought Ortiz twice already and has lost miserably both times.  Ortiz has already signed to fight Liddell (for a second time) in the spring.   What does that mean?   Zuffa is only putting this fight on to make Ortiz look good and ’justify’ his upcoming title shot.  Then again … it’s free!  Plus they’re showing at least three other fights which, breaking from UFC tradition, has not happened at least twice already.

Tito "Huntington Beach Bad Boy" Ortiz vs. Ken "The World’s Most Dangerous Man" Shamrock

According to ufc.com, 25.1% of people think Shamrock is going to win.   My guess: Shamrock himself is the guy casting these votes.  Also on his training regime: skipping class, eating birthday cake and flying into totally unprovoked fits of anger at his own reflection (This behavior can also be observed in budgies).   Shamrock says he was robbed when he lost to Sakuraba.  For those of you who don’t remember, that fight was stopped after Sak landed a crushing straight right and Shamrock fell onto the top rope, as lifeless as a bag of trash.  Curiously, Shamrock also says he was screwed in his re-match with Ortiz - despite the fact that he was, as Ortiz put it, ’about three elbows away from dying’.   What Shamrock doesn’t realize is the fact that, each time, the ref essentially saved his life or at the very least saved him from further substantial brain injury.  This time?   Hopefully Shamrock will get his wish and, when he finds himself in deep, deep trouble, the referee will be four blocks away at a neighborhood pub enjoying a beef dip sandwich and pint of Budweiser.   Still, even with the ref’s “help” I don’t think Shamrock will make it out of the first round.  Ortiz by TKO.

Kendall ”Da Spyder” Grove vs. Chris “The Exorcist” Price

Kendall Grove is six-and-a-half feet tall and weighs 185lbs.  Because of this, he looks like something that just stepped out of one of those crazy funhouse mirrors.   Key point: fighting him is not fun.   Mostly, this is due to the fact that he can whack you in the noggin from two states away.  Imagine fighting a guy who’s got a bullwhip when all you have is a Swiss army knife.  Does the Swiss army even use those knives?  You would think they’d demand guns.  All the other armies have them.  Perhaps they just win by distracting the opponent with gifts of fine watches, cheese and chocolates and then swarming them and stabbing them all to death with their pen-and-tweezer knives.  Perhaps not.  Damn.  Now I’ve gone and gotten off topic.  My guess: Kendall Grove by decision.  Afterthought: “The Exorcist” should fight someone from the Red Devil team.  How cool would that be?  Maybe they could force them to wear “Devil” and “Exorcist” costumes.

Ed “Short Fuse” Herman vs. Jason “The Athlete” MacDonald

I hope these guys have to wear different color shorts.  Otherwise I don’t think I’ll be able to tell them apart.  They should make one guy all blue like those dudes from Blue Man Group.  Just a thought.  Who wins this one?  I’m guessing “The Athlete”.   He seems able to keep his composure - while Ed Herman is the kind of fighter who goes progressively more crazy as the fight goes along.   He looks good out of the starting gates, but by the third round he’s usually given his mind to Beelzebub, thrown strategy to the four winds and has totally dissolved into a foaming-at-the-mouth animal.  He had his fight with Kendall Grove in the bag, but snatched defeat from the mouth of victory by letting anger cloud his mind.  That’s the same mistake Darth Vader made and we all know what happened there.  Helmet.  Need I say more?  My guess: “The Athlete” wins a split decision and advances to face Chris Leben in the “there can be only one redhead in the UFC” contest.   

Seth “Silverback” Petruzelli vs. Matt “The Hammer” Hamill

I don’t know how Petruzelli got the nickname “Silverback”.  As far as I know, gorillas tend to shy away from throwing spinning heel kicks and tend to stick with slamming and pounding.   >From what I’ve seen, Matt Hammill fights a lot more like a really pissed off gorilla - while Petruzelli fights like a body-builder who has somehow become possessed by the enraged spirit of former Olympic gymnast Mary-Lou Retton.   My guess: Petruzelli lands a head kick and gets the KO.

Nate “The Great” Marquardt vs. Crafton “Blaze” Wallace

They don’t call Marquardt “Great” just because it rhymes with “Nate”.  He might look a lot like my vegan hippie friend who plays the guitiar, but dude can put the hurt on pretty much anyone who makes fun of his soft-spoken demeanour.  Come to think of it, so can my vegan hippie friend.  Wallace is a good kickboxer, but he’s going down in a “Blaze” of glory on this one.  Marquardt will win by submission in Round 1.

Tony DeSouza vs. Dustin Hazelett

Tony DeSouza might look like the homeless guy on the corner selling oranges out of a stolen shopping cart, but the dude is a guillotine machine.   Once, his grandmother went to give him a hug on his birthday and he snapped her down into a front headlock, pulled guard and nearly took her head off.   Do not make fun of his beard.  DeSouza wins by submission in Round 1.

Rory “Outburst” Singer vs. Josh “Bring the Pain” Haynes

There are a lot of wrestlers who use superior takedown defense to keep a fight standing, where they can use their superior striking to overwhelm an opponent.  Josh Haynes is not one of them.   Singer by submission.

Thiago “Pitbull” Alves vs. John “The Natural” Alessio

This will be one of those fights where neither fighter will ever really gain the upper hand nor, after fifteen minutes, will there be a clear winner.  Still, someone will win a decision, and years later someone will see on their record that one person beat the other and they will think “I didn’t know those two fought”.   Who wins?  Flip a coin. 

Marcus “The Irish Hand Grenade” Davis vs. Forrest “The Meat Cleaver” Petz

If Davis can keep this fight standing, he could put Petz in serious trouble.  That is a big ’If’.  You don’t get a nickname like “The Meat Cleaver” because you’re smooth with the ladies.  Look for Petz to come right at Davis like a kid chasing down the leprechaun from the Lucky Charms commercials.  Note: that leprechaun is a damn coward.  He runs away from children!  Plus, he has magical powers, which are likely banned by the Nevada State Athletic Commission.  Petz by TKO; Round one.