Ultimate Fight Night Predictions

Ultimate Fight Night Predictions
Fighters seem to try harder when they are on national TV.  Perhaps they are striving for their chance on “the big show”, and figure that once they are fighting on a pay-per-view they can relax and stall their way to wine and roses, or perhaps the octagon floor for the Ultimate Fight Nights is covered in a thin wire mesh which can be electrified whenever the fighters fail to entertain; producing a non-lethal but highly motivational force which lingers in their minds like the always-present threat of punishment from an abusive high-school Physical Education coach.  Either way, it is difficult to turn down such wonderful entertainment, especially when it is free.

Rashad Evans vs. Sean Salmon

Evans is like your hug-happy grandma.  It’s almost impossible to escape his grasp once his arms get around you.  The difference, of course, is that instead of giving you cookies and watered-down kool-aid, he slams you onto your dome, punches you in the face and smothers all your attempts to get up or submit him.  Salmon is swimming upstream here and while I won’t call him a tomato can, I will point out that canned salmon is usually in the same aisle as canned tomatoes at the grocery store.   Zuffa knows this, and knows
the likely result of this fight.  Salmon will get smoked and Rashad will look good for the TV audience, all of whom will pay big bucks to see him fight for the belt sometime in 2007.

Jake “Irish” O’Brian vs. Heath “Texas Crazy Horse” Herring

I don’t know why Heath Herring’s nickname is the “Texas Crazy Horse” since a herring is a fish.  Wait; it might be a bird.  No, that is a heron. “Texas Crazy Fish” doesn’t sound right but, then again, he is “Crazy” so I’m not going to tell him what he can call himself, although “Violent Homophobe” springs to mind since his most famous achievement has been KO’ing a Japanese guy for kissing him on the lips during a pre-fight stare-down.  It took half of the security staff, and Richard Gere (The Horse Whisperer) to calm down the “Texas Crazy Horse” who flew into a thou-dost-prostest-too-much-style rage, denying all queerness, while a shocked audience watched in wide-eyed amazement.  Will he win this time?  Yes.  All of O’Brian’s lucky charms won’t be able to help him.  Herring by TKO.

Hermes Franca vs. Spencer “King” Fisher

Spencer Fisher has popularized flying knees in the same way those Hydrocelaphic little red-cheeked Campbell’s kids popularized soup.  Anytime anyone uses one to knock out their opponent, Fisher should get ten cents in commission.   Franca is my new personal hero after beating Jamie “The Worm”
Varner who alternated between holding onto him and running away.  However I see a knee in his future possibly during a failed takedown attempt.  Fisher might get a TKO, but will more likely win by decision.

Dean Lister vs. Nate Marquardt

These guys faced off at the last Abu Dhabi World Submission Wrestling Championships and it didn’t take long for Lister to put Marquardt in a Bolivian Liver Hug, which is very difficult to pull off on a sweaty
opponent.  Actually, I think it was a knee bar.   My point, however, is that MMA and submission grappling are quite different; akin to comparing a game of chess to another game of chess where the rules allow striking.   Also, Lister cuts roughly fifty pounds to make 185lbs, which leaves him weak like a baby with asthma and a two-pack a day smoking habit.  My guess: Marquardt by decision.

Chad “The Grinder” Reiner vs. Josh “The Peoples Warrior” Burkman

Normally, whenever Zuffa brings in a “new guy” to face one of their established fighters, he’s a sacrificial lamb with narcolepsy and a record of 2-10, with the two wins both being victories over someone whose record is 0-20.  “The Grinder”, however, might be more of a challenge, with a record of 13-1.   Burkman is 7-3, so even a remedial math student can see who’s got more cage experience.   Nevertheless, I think Burkman will win a decision.

Ed “Short Fuse” Herman vs. Chris “The Exorcist” Price

When will the UFC finally give the fans the fight they really want to see? 
Ed Herman vs. Chris Leben would be a fight for the record books.  It would look like two long-lost twins meeting in a trailer park and immediately fighting each other for the same reason budgies attack their reflections.  Hopefully Leben will win here, and advance to face his nemesis.  My guess:
“The Exorcist” catches a looping punch on the jaw that spins his head around.  Leben by TKO.

Clay “The Carpenter” Guida vs. Din Thomas

I took carpentry classes for three years in high school, and I don’t know why, because I hated it.  Mostly, I hated it because the teacher was a brainless ogre who seemed to find enormous pleasure in telling you about the horrible disfiguring accidents that he’d been witness to around the shop as a result of students “not being careful” around the various saws and drills. Then, curiously, he would grade you on how quickly you could build a birdhouse.  The result?  Students racing around the shop with razor sharp chisels in their hands, pushing wood through giant saws at twice the speed they should - hoping against hope to leave with their thumbs still attached. Thomas by decision.

Ross Pointon vs. Rich “No Love” Clementi

“No Love” has had “No Success” lately in the octagon.  Shonie Carter out-pimped him in the first fight of TUF4, and Din Thomas swatted his head around like a cat with a ball of string.  Fortunately, Pointon fights like a drunken soccer hooligan and will come straight at him, swinging wildly.  My guess?  Clementi will have “No Problem” winning this one.