|Lately, the UFC has been preying on their Hall of Fame like a team of rabid telemarketers relentlessly calling a retirement home to sell over-priced appliances to confused and lonely senior citizens. Why? Because bringing a legend out of retirement sells a lot of tickets.
Lately, the UFC has been preying on their Hall of Fame like a team of rabid telemarketers relentlessly calling a retirement home to sell over-priced appliances to confused and lonely senior citizens. Why? Because bringing a legend out of retirement sells a lot of tickets. However, it isnt much different than giving your senile grandfather five bucks to pull his pants down and sing the national anthem on the corner, and then charging the neighborhood kids ten bucks each to watch it happen. I honestly felt bad for Royce Gracie after Matt Hughes gave him the prison shower rubdown and I still think the UFC rolled the dice with Ken Shamrocks life by letting him fight Tito Ortiz again and again like a confused zoo-keeper who keeps going into the gorilla cage despite suffering repeatedly dire consequences. Now the UFC has set the stage for what could be, potentially, the worst thing to happen in the octagon since Joe Son punched Keith Hackney in the nuts by matching Randy Couture against Tim Sylvia. Can the older, smaller, vastly more popular former champion defeat the larger, younger current champion, who just might be the most unpopular person in human history to wear a championship belt? Fans everywhere will be watching to find out; which is exactly what Zuffa wants.
Tim The Maine-i-ac Sylvia vs. Randy The Natural Couture
With the possible exception of Alabama, the entire world is hoping Couture will pull this one off. However, trying to take Sylvia down is like trying to tackle a gorilla that is standing on the shoulders of the two other gorillas, to make a gorilla pyramid, which is similar to a human pyramid, except its made out of gorillas. Also, the top gorilla has a garden rake in each hand, and its swinging them around like a bastard. Also the whole damn stack of gorillas is backing up, so you basically have to run at it like Sonic the Hedgehog if you want to get near it, and that is when your troubles begin. Couture has not done well against larger, younger opponents but, realistically, who has?
In the battle between younger and older, younger usually wins and, sadly, bigger has a size advantage over smaller. What does that leave? Smarter? Ill admit that Randy Couture would probably trounce Tim Sylvia in a game of Trivial Pursuit, but Ill remind you that The Maine-i-ac will likely have Pat Miletich or Jeremy Horn in his corner; which is akin to having a genius-level midget strapped on your back ala Master Blaster from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. Will Couture be able to overcome these obstacles? The civilized world certainly hopes so. Unfortunately, I suspect that The Natural will catch a toaster-sized fist in the jaw while trying to box his way into an upper-body clinch and, sadly, Sylvia will win by TKO. Afterwards, unburdened by humility, Sylvia will say that Couture was a great champion but that he is even greater. This will not help his popularity. On the bright side, Couture will still have three fights left on his contract and will very likely face Cro Cop at some point. However, unfortunately, Cro Cop will probably knock him out as well.
Chris Lights Out Lytle vs. Matt Hughes
Superman doesnt go to the gym. Instead, he just sits around and uses his x-ray vision to scope out Lois Lanes fallopian tubes. Why? Because when you have super-powers, theres no need to spend a lot of time in sweaty weight-rooms. Similarly, word on the street is that Hughes never used to train much for his fights. He didnt have to because he was able to walk through most of his opponents like the son of Jor-El wading through a hailstorm of bullets. But then he ran into a bald genius with a master plan; Georges St. Pierre who, in the role of Lex Luthor, gave him the full on Kryptonite treatment and kicked his ass into the Phantom Zone. Now Chris Lytle, as Batman, takes his shot at the man of steel. Does he have the right tools on his utility belt? Maybe, but as everyone knows, Batman does not have superpowers. Also, bat-a-rangs are specifically forbidden inside the octagon. Therefore, Hughes will win by decision.
Drew McFedries vs. Martin Hitman Kampmann
UFC fans remember McFedries as the guy who out-boxed Alessio Sakara in a fight reminiscent of something youd see behind a convenience store at midnight. Kampann is from Denmark, so Im pretty sure that makes him a Danish; which is appropriate since I think that McFedries will eat him for breakfast and win by TKO.
Rich Ace Franklin vs. Jason The Athlete MacDonald
Anyone with an aspiring modeling career should stay the hell away from Rich Franklin. Evan Tanner looked like something out of Night of the Living Dead after his last waltz with Ace and David Loiseau left the octagon looking like he was suffering from a severe case of cranial elephantitis. Will The Athlete treat Franklin to a happy-meal of intense suffering at MacDonalds? Or will the former champ turn the Canadian into yet another Franklin-steins monster. My guess: Franklin by TKO
Jason Lambert vs. Renato Babalu Sobral
Every time Babalu comes into the octagon his hair looks like something just exploded right beside his head. Will this have any effect on the fight? Absolutely not, but I have to write about something since this the outcome of this one seems pretty clear to me. Sobral has better striking, better takedowns and better submissions than Lambert. He also has much cooler and far more numerous tattoos. Sobral by decision.
Rex Holman vs. Matt The Hammer Hamill
When I was a kid, I had a dog named Rex. Also, the bully at my school was deaf. Every day hed push you around while shouting half-words you couldnt understand. It was terrifying. Worse, whenever you complained about it, the teachers would get mad and tell you to always be nice to the handicapped. So, every afternoon, he would chase me around like some scene from Planet of the Apes. One day, I came home and my Mom told me that my dog Rex had run away. Years later I found out that this was a lie and that Rex had been put to sleep because there was something wrong with his leg and the surgery to fix it was more expensive than the needle. Hamill by decision.
Jon Fitch vs. Luigi Fioravanti
Luigi will jump onto Fitchs head and crush him flat. Then he will kick him out of the octagon, sending him sliding off screen at ridiculous speed. Afterwards, he will run around the cage collecting enormous spinning coins while lousy electronic keyboard music plays and his brother Mario celebrates in his corner. No wait, thats the wrong Luigi. Sorry. Fitch by decision.
Gleison Tibau vs. Jason Dent
Tibau has a loss to Anaconda Anaconda and a win over Anderson Bad Boy. Dent has beaten a guy named Kolo Koka. Bad Boy Anaconda Kola would be a terrible name for a soda pop. Dent by TKO
Jason The Gizzard Gilliam vs. Jamie The Worm Varner
This is like the battle to decide who has the worst nickname on Earth. In one corner: The Worm: a spineless creature and/or contemptible person. In the other: The Gizzard: a thick-walled, muscular pouch in the lower stomach of many birds and reptiles that grinds food, often with the aid of ingested stones. Whats next? The Braying Ass? The Chain-Smoking Clown? The Creepy Grandmother? Actually, I think those names are better. Varner by decision.