“Ultimate Fight Nights” are always way better than actual pay-per-view UFCs.  Since they’re on free TV, fighters are told if they don’t “put on a show” they’ll be sprayed with chicken gravy and tossed headfirst into a pit of rabid poodles.  This means exciting fights, which means more interest in the UFC, which means more pay-per-view orders, which means more people watching a five-round snooze-fest featuring a heavyweight champ sporting a tummy and a trailer-park Mohawk backing away from his substantially-smaller opponent for the better part of half an hour.  But alas, I digress. The gravy-and-poodle pit is waiting for those fighters who fail to entertain on December 13th.

Diego Sanchez vs. Joe Riggs

I can only imagine how Georges St. Pierre felt while guys like Royce Gracie, BJ Penn and Joe Riggs got their title shot ahead of him.  It probably felt like waiting to use a bank machine while some idiot ahead of you tries to push an envelope full of pennies into the deposit slot.   Anyway, now that St. Pierre is the champion, Sanchez can replace him as the guy waiting in line.   Matt Serra is next then probably Hughes after that.  Then, just maybe, Sanchez will get his chance; if he can beat Riggs and whoever else the UFC matches him up against after that.  My guess: Sanchez wins another semi-deserved decision and a re-match with Koscheck down the road.

Jeff Joslin vs. Josh Koscheck

This event is being held on a military base, in the midst of several thousand marines, all of whom would rather kick an orphan down a flight of stairs than see the USA lose at anything.   My guess:  this fight will go to a decision and, if the judges give it to the Canadian, the marines will riot on national television, tear the octagon apart and likely attempt to invade Canada.  Knowing this, the judges will award a curiously biased decision to Koscheck. Note: I hope I am wrong.  Go Canada!

Drew Fickett vs. Karo Parisyan

Parisyan is a master of throwing his opponent directly onto their head and then somehow ending up underneath them.  His boxing isn’t the greatest, but he compensates by coming at you through the whole fight like an escaped mental patient who you’ve just caught sleeping under your back porch.  Fickett was losing his lunch money to Koscheck until the sky opened and the gods of MMA said ’Thou shalt land a knee”. Will it happen again?  No.  Parisyan wins by decision and gets in line behind everyone else for a shot at the belt in the year 2032 when GSP retires.

Marcus Davis vs. Shonie Carter

Carter has everything it takes to win a fight, except common sense.  Did I ever tell you about the time I was at a UFC weigh-in and he was sitting in front of me?  He was wearing some kind of championship belt that looked like it was made from Lite-Brite pegs, and a house-coat – like you wear after getting out of the shower.  Wow.  Davis by TKO.

Victor Valimaki vs. David Heath

Valimaki’s nickname is “The Matrix”.  I honestly don’t know what that is supposed to mean.   I guess if you’re going to name yourself after a movie, anything is better than “Terms of Endearment” except maybe “The Crying Game”.  Where was I?  Oh, right.   Like I said before, this fight is going down smack-dab in the middle of a bunker full of United States marines.  That means Valimaki will have to knock his opponent out or get a submission to win.  My guess: Heath will win a decision while thousands of jar-heads shout “USA, USA, USA”.  Note: again, I hope I am wrong. 

Alan Belcher vs. Jorge Santiago

Wasn’t “Belcher” a character in “Revenge of the Nerds”?  Perhaps that was Booger.  No matter.  Santiago is due for a win and I think he’ll get one here; likely by decision.

Dave Menne vs. Luigi Fioravanti

Menne used to be the UFC middleweight champion, but then he got machine-gunned by Phil Baroni and fell off the UFC map.  After that, he fought in a lot of smaller shows and got punched in the face so much he went more or less blind.  Now, after surgery, he’s back in the octagon and coming off a loss to Josh Koscheck.  Will he win here?  He might, but I have a hunch that Menne might be getting into the twilight of his career and the protective lining of his brain may be too thin to withstand a serious slugfest.  Luigi will win by TKO and will insist on being paid in spinning gold coins.  After the fight he and his brother Mario will jump over some turtles and down a sewer pipe.

Keita Nakamura vs. Brock Larson

Brock Larson is like one of those guys from the 1920’s who would spend all day working in the coal mines and all night fighting for nickels in 20-round bare-knuckle boxing matches.  Nakamura is one of those Japanese fighters who only has fought other Japanese fighters who also have only fought other Japanese fighters.  I smell a decision win for Larson, quickly followed by a decision by UFC management to leave this fight off the pay per view.

Logan Clark vs. Steve Byrnes

Byrnes is a marine.  In case you’ve forgotten, the octagon will be surrounded by thousands of marines.  Knowing this, is there any chance that the UFC will give this guy an opponent who stands even the slightest chance of winning?  No.  Clark will need a miracle to win and, even if he does, he will likely be shot by Byrnes fellow marines, who are not accustomed to admitting defeat.