Zuffa has a long, proud tradition of putting on UFCs where the main event of the night is also by far the least competitive fight on the card.   Luckily for them, most fight fans are the kind of people who watch ‘The Dudesons’ and are too busy riding a bobsled off their own roof to notice the shenanigans that the UFC marketing department is pulling.   Now, the marketing hypnotists who brought you Ortiz vs. Shamrock, Franklin vs. Quarry, and Hughes vs. Gracie are at it again.   Sure they’ll tell you that Ortiz is on a winning streak, and unbeaten in five fights, but they won’t tell you that those five fights were 1) A three round decision over a chubby Patrick Cote 2) A controversial split decision over Vitor Belfort.  3) Another mucho-“iffy” split decision over Forrest Griffen and 4) & 5) two back to back beat-downs of Ken Shamrock, who is the fighting-equivalent of the old, broken furniture that you see sitting beside dumpsters in the back alley. 

Zuffa has a long, proud tradition of putting on UFCs where the main event of the night is also by far the least competitive fight on the card.   Luckily for them, most fight fans are the kind of people who watch ’The Dudesons’ and are too busy riding a bobsled off their own roof to notice the shenanigans that the UFC marketing department is pulling.   Now, the marketing hypnotists who brought you Ortiz vs. Shamrock, Franklin vs. Quarry, and Hughes vs. Gracie are at it again.   Sure they’ll tell you that Ortiz is on a winning streak, and unbeaten in five fights, but they won’t tell you that those five fights were 1) A three round decision over a chubby Patrick Cote 2) A controversial split decision over Vitor Belfort.  3) Another mucho-“iffy” split decision over Forrest Griffen and 4) & 5) two back to back beat-downs of Ken Shamrock, who is the fighting-equivalent of the old, broken furniture that you see sitting beside dumpsters in the back alley.  “The Iceman”, meanwhile, has been KO’ing serious bad-asses like Couture, Horn, White and Babalu; who are guys who would steal Tito’s laundry.   Given these facts, it seems very, very likely that Liddell will massacre Tito in typical UFC-main-event style where everyone would leave wondering what all the hype was about if they weren’t immediately spell-bound by the UFC’s next wildly over-hyped main event (St. Pierre vs. Serra, Lutter vs. Silva).  Thankfully, as usual, the under-card for UFC 66 might save the night for fight fans such as myself - who aren’t perpetually recovering from “funny stunts” involving outhouses, darts and barn animals – and can thusly see through the web of hype which the UFC matchmakers are constantly spinning to sell pay-per-views to the unwashed.

Chuck Liddell vs. Tito Ortiz

Zuffa would like everyone to believe that during his first fight with Liddell, Ortiz was doing very well - or perhaps even winning - before “The Iceman” gave him that battle-tested favorite technique of street-pirates everywhere: the thumb in the eye.   However, this is all part of that “imaginary hype” that Zuffa is so fond of using to promote fights like Ortiz vs. Shamrock 3.   The truth is that Ortiz could not take Liddell down and the only person he put a hand on through the whole fight was the ref, Big John McCarthy, who he double-arm sissy-shoved from behind.  This became the main piece of Zuffa’s highlight reel to promote their re-match, since Zuffa couldn’t find any footage of Ortiz actually hitting Liddell.  Will anything be different this time?  No.  This fight will look like a badass hillbilly dad abusing his teenage son for street-racing.  Once Ortiz figures out that he (still) can’t take Liddell down, he’ll spend the rest of the fight running away like a terrified ten-year old hot-footing it out of Mr. McCleary’s crab-apple patch, with the old-man wild-eyed and right on his ass swinging a rake. My guess: Liddell by TKO.

Keith Jardine vs. Forrest Griffin

Jardine looks like a bigger, scarier version of Chuck Liddell – which is ridiculous even to consider since its like saying “he’s like Godzilla but bigger and with more scales”.  How badass does someone have to be to make Liddell look like their mini-me?  Answer: Very.  Can Griffin hang with Jardine?  Yes.  Will he win?  No.  Griffin walks the line where the term “bravery” ceases to apply and the word “crazy” takes over, screaming and salivating like a savage.  My guess: Griffin will trade strikes with Jardine and lose a split decision.

Andrei Arlovski vs. Marcio Cruz

Fighting “Pe De Pano” is like having a horse fall on you, except the horse knows how to throw elbows and do a kimura.  Can he take Arlovski down?  Call me the crazy guy who drinks too much at the club Christmas party – but I think he can.  There’s a tiny voice in my head, and this could be the lingering effects of binge drinking, saying Cruz is going to pull this one off.   I could be wrong.  After all, who would believe anything put forth by a person who drinks an entire 26oz bottle of Crown Royal in a single evening? Speaking of putting things forth, there is a wicked bad stain on my living room carpet.  Predictions: I will never again be invited to my club Christmas party and Cruz will win, likely by TKO.

Jason MacDonald vs. Chris Leben

MacDonald has gone on a Highlander-esque killing spree to rid the world of all other red-heads.  There can be only one!  Beware Carrot Top!   “The Athlete” is coming to make an awful comic prop out of your flame-haired scalp!   Leben’s head is like a rusty rock.  Can MacDonald get past “The Cat Smasher”?  The cats hope so.  My guess: Leben by TKO.

Eric Schafer vs. Michael Bisping

Eric “Red” Schafer is the newest addition to Zuffa’s roster of redheads.   I haven’t seen a proliferation of redheads like this since I knew the guy with the sleazy mom and the Irish gynecologist.  The judo joke referee score that “Waza-ari”!   Can Bisping win this?  Sure, why not?  After all; George Clooney was voted “Sexist Man Alive” and he’s like seventy years old so anything is possible.  I’m guessing Schafer is going to win by submission.

Tony DeSouza vs. Thiago Alves

DeSouza wins the award for “Worst production value in an instructional video”.   I’m not kidding.  Have you seen it?   He’s rolling around in a garage through the whole thing and you can barely hear what he’s saying because there is a construction crew or something building a house ten feet away.  Couldn’t you wait ’til they went on a break before you started filming?  Geez.  DeSouza by submission.

Carmelo Marrero vs. Gabriel Gonzaga

Every Christmas, there is a proliferation of fly-by-night chocolate companies.  They only appear around the holidays, and they always sell a ton of chocolate because people think that if they give someone a box of chocolates for Christmas, that person will probably rip open the box of chocolates right there giving them, the person who bought the chocolates, a prime opportunity to eat most of them, despite the ’guise’ of purchasing them as a gift.  This is why whenever anyone buys me chocolates for Christmas; I always wait for the person to leave before I open the box.  Usually, this leads to an hour-or-so of their eyes flicking back and forth between the box of chocolates and my grinning, nodding smile and this, for me, is a gift far more delicious than the chocolates could ever be.  Anyway, usually these companies make several million dollars in the span of a few weeks because they charge nineteen dollars for a box of chocolates which, in all likelihood, it cost them seventy-four cents to make; mostly because they use ingredients which even a starving, rabid dog would turn its nose away from.  How do they do it?  By naming their box of toothpaste-flavored bon-bon’s something that sounds vaguely European, slightly chewy, and mildly aristocratic – like Carmelo Marrero.  Think about it, you fiend, you know you’d buy a nineteen dollar box of chocolates named Carmelo Marrero, wouldn’t you?  Well, maybe not now – but I think I’ve made my point.  Gonzaga by submission.

Yushin Okami vs. Rory Singer

Okami was able to defeat both Kalib Starnes and Alan Belcher.  Now he fights his third consecutive opponent with a silly name.   Will he win?  Yes.  Singer somehow reminds me of a high-school chess-club president who rebels in college and climbs the bell-tower with a rifle-in-hand to protest years of wedgies from the football team.  He has a thrashy “Nerd-gone-berzerk” style that I think Okami will exploit to win by KO.

Anthony Perosh vs. Christian Wellisch

In the battle of silly nicknames, it’s tough to choose between “The Hippo” and the “The Hungarian Nightmare”.  One evokes a strange plush-toy quality, while the other conjures images of hairy men with spears violently persecuting someone tied into a dentist’s chair.    My guess: Perosh by submission.