This Thursday, Ultimate Fight Night returns to Spike TV, and everyone is asking the same questions.  Will Diego Sanchez be able to take down Karo Parisyan?  Has Chris Leben learned to keep his hands up following the game of slam ball that Anderson Silva played with his captain-caveman skull?  Will they show more than two fights?  Or will they dedicate most of their broadcast to commercials for Blade the Series and Xyience Energy Drink ads where a greasy-looking stripper dances around in a burning industrial waste factory?  Here are my guesses.

Diego “The Nightmare” Sanchez vs. Karo “The Heat” Parisyan

Much like Tex-Mex food, some people love Diego Sanchez and some people just can’t stomach him.  Now those blaring horns will sound once more as the mustached bandito faces his most Armenian opponent ever.   Sanchez might have the strength of all three amigos, but Paryisan gave Matt Serra an Eastern-European style beating and could do the same thing to Diego, since he fights with a similar “joie d’ tackle”.  However, Karo has lost gruesome decisions to George St. Pierre and Sean Sherk, both of whom were standing in line with Sanchez when God was handing out second helpings of fast-twitch muscle fibres.  Will “The Nightmare” go through Parysian like a bad case of Montezuma’s revenge?  Or will “The Heat” put Sanchez in an Armenian liver-hug?  My guess: Sanchez wins a split decision and earns the right to lose badly to the winner of St. Pierre vs. Hughes.

Chris “The Crippler” Leben vs. Jorge Santiago

It’s been six weeks since Anderson Silva gave “The Crippler” a ride to beat-down-town on the brain-pain-train.  According to my sources, Leben woke up last week and demanded a re-match, so Zuffa called up Santiago figuring Leben wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.  He can’t and the fight is on.   Will Leben get “revenge”?  Maybe not.  Santiago took out Justin Levens with a knee to the nostrils and could do the same thing here.  I’ve seen neck injury victims who bob and weave better than Chris Leben.  Of course, it can’t be can’t be easy to slip punches when your head weighs sixty pounds due to low-grade hydrocelaphicism.  Can Santiago deal with Leben’s ’cranial fortitude’?  Probably not.   Leben by TKO.

Dean Lister vs. Yuki Sasaki

Lister served his last opponent, Italian boxer Alessio Sakara, a double serving of spank-i-kopita, so he shouldn’t have much trouble with Sasaki, who appears to be making a career out of losing to better grapplers.   Watch for Sasaki to try and out-grapple Lister while someone in the third row shouts “that’s just so crazy, it just might work”!  Will it work?  No.  Lister will win by submission.

Sam “The Squeeze” Morgan vs. Forrest Petz

You don’t have to be Alfred Einstein to see that Sam Morgan has the advantage here.  He’s fought more times, versus better opponents, and he’s the only one with a nick-name.  Also, he once badly broke the foot of a guy I used to train with.  I asked him about it at the USA vs. Canada event, and he seemed like a cool guy.  Morgan by sub.

Anthony “The Crush” Torres vs. Pat “Bam Bam” Healy

“The Crush” has a record of 3-0.   That’s even less impressive when you realize that the guys he’s beaten have a combined record of 6-12.   Healy’s record is 15-9 which is more impressive when you realize he’s beaten Carlos Condit, who has beaten both Renato Verissimo and Frank Trigg.  So who wins?  The guy who has fewer fights and has fought less-skilled opponents?  Or the guy who has way more fights and has beaten some serious badasses?  I’m guessing Healy will win by “Bam Bam”.

Joe “Diesel” Riggs vs. Jason Von Flue

People often compare Riggs to a truck.   I find this ironic considering that, if I had a truck which performed as inconsistently as Riggs, I’d kick it into the river and never give it a second thought.   Lately, Riggs’ record looks as mismatched as his tattoo’s, most of which look like they were done by a blind pre-schooler with a severe case of the shakes.  Riggs blames his losses on a lack of mental focus, which is not good considering that Von Flue is as crazy as a barnyard cat.  That being said, Riggs is a much better fighter and should win by TKO; assuming Von Flue doesn’t drive him bat-crap crazy.  Riggs needs to win this fight and Von Flue knows it.  If he can get into Riggs’ head, we may see the first ever win in the UFC by mental breakdown.

Martin Kampmann vs. Crafton Wallace

Whenever two kick-boxers meet in mixed martial arts the result is invariably, and rather predictably, kickboxing.  When you’re paying to watch mixed martial arts, getting kickboxing instead is about as disappointing as renting a film called “Heavenly Hooters” and then realizing it’s about owls.  Who wins this fight?  Who cares!  My guess: Kampmann wins a decision after three rounds of tapdancing.

Jonathan Goulet vs. Josh Koscheck

Goulet is like a street performer who can juggle, dance and sing simultaneously.  Watching him work is very entertaining.  Koscheck is like the crazy homeless guy in the audience who tackles the street performer and lays on him.   He ruins the fun.   Will Goulet entertain us with a KO win?  Or will Koscheck bore us with three rounds of mildly-effective ground and pound?  I will choose optimism and go with Goulet.

Christophe “The French Hurricaine” Midoux vs. Jake “Irish” O’Brien

Midoux was supposed to fight on the USA vs. Canada show, but was replaced at the last minute due to a sudden severe groin injury.  Just thinking about that makes me cross my legs.  Who wins this one?  I’m thinking Midoux will win by KO, but I may be biased by the fact that I once dated a French girl, while the only thing I’ve ever gotten from Ireland is a fist-sized rash from using their lousy green soap.

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