This Saturday at UFC 64 Zuffa is giving fight fans a show with not one - but TWO - title fights and, brace yourself, neither of them are re-matches.  How insane is that?   Before you get your panties in a knot and start thinking that this is a sign of things to come - allow me to point out that the next title fights we see will likely be Hughes vs. St. Pierre 2 and Ortiz vs. Liddell 2.  Still, before we find ourselves swept back into the land of the perpetual re-match, UFC 64 is a welcome change, like a new flavor in an ice-cream shop run by incredibly conservative owners who normally have just four choices, all of which you’ve tried before - chocolate, vanilla, strawberry and get the f*ck out.

Rich Franklin vs. Anderson Silva

Zuffa has been running the footage of Silva KO’ing Leben like it’s their new obsessive compulsive disorder knock knock wink wink one two there four knock knock.  Of course, what other choice do they have? They’d rather show highlights from an all-gay rodeo than have fans see Silva losing in Pride, where he was triangled by Takase and flying-heel-hooked by Ryo Chonan.   Other fun fact: Franklin is f*cking huge for 185, while Silva could probably make 170 if he cut back a bit on all the acai.  Do the math and this could end up looking like the time the high school math teacher got in a fight with the crazy exchange student from South America. Sure, Silva may get a KO but (unlike Chris “Frankenstein” Leben) Franklin keeps his hands up, so he’ll probably win a decision after five rounds of swatting Silva around the octagon like some ugly domestic dispute.

Sean Sherk vs. Kenny Florian

Ken Florian thinks he can beat Sean Sherk.  I think I am invisible.  We are probably both wrong.  Sherk is terrifying.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he actually sleeps in children’s bedroom closets at night.  He has never been submitted, and has only lost to Hughes and St. Pierre.  Now he’s cut down to 155lbs.  Florian must’ve gotten into the catnip if he thinks he’s going to walk away from this one with his eyes un-squashed.  My guess: Sherk by ultra-severe beatdown and decision.

Jon Fitch vs. Kuniyoshi Hironaka

Fitch is a coward, a liar and a thief.  I once caught him stealing radishes out of my garden, so I grabbed a rake and chased him down the street in my nightgown. This is all a pack of lies. The truth is that I’m still bitter about his ’victory’ over Jeff Joslin.   Fitch might have three wins in the UFC, but that may come to an end here.   Hironaka has beaten Nick Diaz, Ryan Schultz and Renato “Charuto” Verrissimo.  My guess: He’ll be too much for Fitch or maybe that is my hope.

Cheick Kongo vs. Carmelo Marrero

Kongo is a French kickboxer with a reputation for beating the crepe out of people.  Carmelo is a wrestler from New Jersey with a name that sounds like a fine, European chocolate and a record of 5-0.  What happens here?  My guess: King Kongo takes Carmelo’s head back to Skull Island.

Spencer Fisher vs. Dan Lauzon

A couple of weeks ago, Joe Lauzon fed Jens Pulver a continental breakfast of knee and whoop ass.  That must have made Zuffa mad, because now they’re throwing his brother to the wolves.  Dan Lauzon is 3-0 with three submissions over three guys with losing records. That’s not nearly enough to beat Spencer Fisher, who has never lost by submission, and is so tough he probably uses tin foil for toilet paper.  Look for a flying knee somewhere in round two.  Fisher by big KO.

Keith Jardine Vs. Mike Nickels

In his TUF3 fight with Matt Hammil, Mike Nickels was out-boxed by a one-armed wrestler.  Now he’s fighting a guy who looks like Chuck Liddell’s meaner older brother.  Ouch.  Jardine by KO.

Yushin Okami Vs. Kalib Starnes

I think Japanese fighters consider cutting weight a form of cowardice, because they never seem to bother doing it.  Instead they seem content to float around the bottom of their weight category, with a belly full of bushido and sashimi. That’s admirable in a weird kamikaze sort of way, but it’s not the best strategy when your opponent is cutting the majority of their body weight using blood-draining and sweat-lodge rituals.  Sure, there’s the whole David and Goliath thing, but who wants to fight someone who is fifty pounds heavier and revving like a truck engine full of piss, vinegar and bad intentions?  Starnes by TKO.

Justin James vs. Clay Guida

Sometimes it’s hard to predict who’s going to win a fight, especially when you don’t know much about either fighter.  Usually, it’s best to just pick the scarier looking guy.  Guida by submission.

Kurt Pellegrino vs. Junior Assuncao

Who names their kid Junior?  That’s not the way it’s supposed to work.  You are supposed to give the kid the same name you have and then you stick “Junior” on the end, so they can’t legally steal everything you own later in life by assuming your identity.  You don’t just go ahead and name him Junior.  Pelligrino by unanimous decision.

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