There was a time when UFCs were jam-packed with goodness like double-stuff Oreo cookies and you were guaranteed to get at least eight fights you really wanted to see.  Lately, Zuffa has flushed that idea like it’s their dead pet hamster and has started making fight cards that are more top-heavy than an anorexic stripper with triple-E breast implants.  Namely: we get one fight we really want to see, one fight we kind of want to see and then six or seven more fights we’ll watch because we just like seeing people get punched right in the face.  The UFC has figured out what boxing promoters have known for years:  Most people don’t care about the under-card and if the main event is good, you can fill the rest of your show with more or less anything - even if it means your event isn’t ’adult undergarments required’ from start to finish.  That being said, UFC 63 is a step up from their last show with a ’revenge match’ title fight, plus the return of Jens Pulver and a battle between two middleweights who each enter the octagon packing more fire-power than a John Woo film marathon.

Matt Hughes vs. BJ Penn (Welterweight title bout)

There is an old saying in the fight game.  Smash my face, choke me and take my belt once - shame on you.  Smash my face, choke me and take my belt twice – shame on me.   The first time these guys fought, I thought Hughes would give BJ Penn a beating so brutal, it would be like witnessing a public execution and the thrill of seeing it would quickly turn into a feeling of sickness and guilt.  Hughes thought the same thing.  Little did he/we count on “The Hawaiian Punch”.   I also didn’t expect to see Penn to re-arrange George St. Pierre’s face like an angry child going ballistic on a Mr. Potato Head, but it happened and would’ve continued happening but St. Pierre found a way to win by crushing Penn into the ground like a bull goring a rodeo clown.  Sound familiar?  It should; since that is precisely the Modus Operandi of Hughes.  My guess: Hughes wins a judges decision and goes on to maul the middleweight winner of TUF4.  Georges St. Pierre will do the Mexican hat dance of death with Diego Sanchez before he gets another title shot but will eventually win the belt; and will face Hughes or Penn in 2008 after Zuffa falls back on their ’trilogy’ theme and sets up Penn vs. Hughes 3 sometime next year.

Mike “Quick” Swick vs. David “the Crow” Loiseau

Many fight fans have never seen Mike Swick fight because just as he’s coming into the octagon, they decide to go get another beer or more nachos or just go drain the ferret.  Then, when they return to their lazy-boy recliner 30-seconds later, the fight is already over and Swick is racing around the cage like a chimp riding on a Mountain Dew buzz.  Will this fight last longer than a pee-and-nacho-break?  Probably yes.  Crows are notoriously intelligent so Loiseau knows that Swick is most dangerous in the first few minutes of a fight.  He’s likely also aware of the Swick-o-tine which has claimed the heads of both Joe Riggs and Steve Vingeault.  What happens here?  My guess: Loiseau tries to look for a third round KO but ends up losing by a split decision.

Jens Pulver vs. Joe Lauzon

Pulver was the UFC lightweight champion but left because he kept getting lightweight cheques.  Now, after losses to Gomi and Sakurai in Pride, he returns to the octagon to adopt the tradition of winning a UFC belt and then claiming to be the best in the world, while essentially ducking at least ten other fighters from other organizations who, in all likelihood, would beat you to death. 

Rashad Evans vs. Jason Lambert

My brother used to work at an insane asylum and his job was to tackle the crazy people.  He’d run into their cells and drag them to the ground, and then hold them down while nurses would come in and give the crazy people their anti-crazy shots.  Rashad fights a lot like that – except minus the nurses.  He tackles you to the mat and then wins the fight by effectively preventing a fight from happening.  Can Lambert win?  Yes - but only if he gets on top of Rashad.  Will he get on top of Rashad?  No.  Rashad will tackle Lambert and hold him down like someone who’s putting out a blazing circus performer after a fire-and-kerosene juggling act gone very wrong.

Melvin Guillard vs. Gabe Ruediger

I once wrote that Kevin Randleman was the kind of guy who goes out to buy socks and comes home driving a bus full of crying school-children.  Guillard is the same.  Trying to predict what he’ll do is an experiment in futility because nobody knows what’s going on ’upstairs’ with him.  Ruediger is a former WEC champion and has won most of his fights by submission.  Will he be able to submit Guillard?  Maybe.  Melvin might throw himself right into a triangle, or he might crush Ruediger’s skull with a single punch.  He also might come into the octagon flying a kite, deliver a bizarre, rambling speech about global warming and then go totally Oliver McCall and break down in a weeping fit.  Nobody knows.  My guess: Guillard by KO.

Jason Dent vs. Roger Huerta

The good news for Dent: He is a lot better than many of the guys who’ve been fighting in the UFC lately.  The bad news for Dent: Huerta is a lot better than him.  My guess: Huerta gets a unanimous decision.

Eddie Sanchez vs. Mario Neto

Neto is the BJJ instructor at Wolf’s Lair MMA in England, and trains with TUF3 Winner Micheal Bisping and Ian “the Machine” Freeman so he is no stranger to people trying to hit him in the face.  Sanchez hits people in the face, and all of his losses have come by submission.   Sure, Sanchez has a “punchers chance” but mostly that means he will very likely get choked again

Tyson Griffin vs. David Lee

Griffin has beaten both Duane Ludwig and Urijah Faber.   Lee looks like a young Ron Howard, but something tells me he’s not going to have any “Happy Days” here.   Tyson Griffin by TKO

Danny Abaddi vs. Jorge Gurgel

Dear Jorge Gurgel.  We’re very sorry you lost to Mark Hominick.  We had no idea he would run away like that.  We’ve started deducting points for that now.   Anyway, please accept our most sincere apology in the form of Danny Abiddi.  He’s a bit bigger than you but we promise he will come right at you – and probably throw a jumping spin kick.  Try not to hurt him too bad.  The censors are still salivating like wild dogs after the Joe Stevenson and Yves Edwards fight.  Love, Zuffa.

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