This Saturday, UFC 59 “Reality Check” will invade Disneyland’s home turf of Anaheim California.  With nine mixed martial arts fights on the card, it’s sure to go down as the most violent event to hit the magic kingdom since the time that drunken hobo snuck into Snow White’s castle and, disguised in a Mickey Mouse suit, clumsily assaulted two dwarves, one of whom sustained minor injuries.  Fight fans agree that, while Goofy will likely not attend, his lesser-known cousin Insanity will certainly be there and will make several noteworthy appearances throughout the night. 

Tito Ortiz vs. Forrest Griffin

When it comes to Ortiz, fans either love him like a 13-year old girl on a date with Justin Timberlake or they hate him with such a fury they would set their own house on fire if he was locked inside.  Either way, they’ll pay to see him fight.  Honestly, Ortiz has played his cards perfectly and, short of wearing a black cowboy hat, has done everything possible to adopt the role of ’the bad guy’ … until now.  The first episode of TUF exposed Ortiz as a supportive and caring guy who treats people with the kindness and compassion you’d normally expect from your favorite aunt – except instead of baking you cookies, he punches you square in the face – but then he compliments you on how tough you are for taking that punch without crying about it – but if you do cry it’s ok because real men cry.  You get the idea.  Their “Good guy vs. Bad Guy” match has been shot to hell and replaced with a “Nice Guy Coach vs. Wise Cracking Weirdo” showdown.  Everyone knows that the UFC is grooming Ortiz for another fight with Shamrock, so expect to see him win a decision here; despite the fact that Griffin will knock him around the octagon like a pinball for at least two of the three rounds.  After this, Ortiz will give Shamrock a beating that makes the final scene from “Gangs of New York” look like a children’s picnic - and everyone will love it because by then, TUF 3 will have re-imaged Tito as a caring William-Wallace-esque type of hero and Shamrock will look like a crazy old man who’s idea of coaching involves driving fighters past the point of exhaustion and then yelling at them while their accumulating injuries prevent them from winning fights.  Shortly after this, scientists will invent the flying car and give bad drivers an infinite selection of new angles from which they can side-swipe you.

Andrei Arlovski vs. Tim Sylvia

Andrei Arlovski barely speaks English, but somehow he still manages to be more thoughtful and eloquent than Tim Sylvia.  Since their last fight, the Russian turnip snake has been fighting the best (or least worst) of the UFC’s heavyweight division while Tim Sylvia has taken on two fighters who really should’ve made the switch to non-fat yoghurt and cut to light heavyweight.  That being said, Arlovski has shown a curious willingness to stand and trade with anyone, which is why he has a little-mentioned KO loss to Pedro Rizzo.  Can Sylvia win this fight?  Yes.  He has arms like freeway on-ramps and Arlovski will stand with him, but will he?  Likely no; Arlovski has the skills to recover from a knock-down, while watching  Sylvia fight off his back is like watching an overturned tortoise struggle to get back on its feet after drinking two bottles of malt liquor. 

David Terrell vs. Scott Smith

Terrell probably still has nightmares about his fight with Evan Tanner.  In these dreams he probably finds himself explaining to his Brazilian jiu-jitsu coaches that, despite the fact that Tanner smashed him with an endless series of elbows, he did not pass the half-guard … so at least he can keep his reputation as having never been scored upon in competition.  Right then, he wakes up screaming.  My guess: Scott Smith will give him new nightmares and win by ref stoppage from strikes somewhere in the second round.

Karo Parisyan vs. Nick Thompson

In just six months, Parisyan has gone from having a title shot against Matt Hughes to fighting a guy whose nickname is “The Goat”.   Karo’s nickname is “The Heat” so this could make for a very delicious outcome.  My guess: Parisyan wins by submission.

Evan Tanner vs. Justin Levens

Tanner lost to the champ.  Then he lost to the guy who lost to the champ.  Now his status as the number-three UFC middleweight is under attack by Levens, a Marco Ruas, who likely will become the guy who lost to the guy who lost to the guy who lost to the champ.   Look for Tanner to get the takedown and the victory by ref ’can’t stand to see this anymore’ in round two.

Nick Diaz vs. Sean Sherk

Nick Diaz will lose this fight for the same reason he lost his fight against Diego Sanchez.  Rather than fight the takedown and use his superior punching, he’ll try to counter the takedown by tumbling about like a ball of string on a windy day and will invariably end up on the bottom where he will look (without success) for the submission until the ref stands them up again.  This cycle will then repeat itself until the time expires, at which point Diaz will say something undignified and may throw a shoe at Sherk from across the octagon.

Marcio ’Pe De Pano’ Cruz vs. Jeff Monson

These guys have wanted to punch each other in the face for a long time and now they get their chance.  Pe De Pano has been dignified in victory, but how will he behave in defeat?  We’ll find out here; as it is very likely that Monson will win a decision and give PDP a wondrous opportunity to flip off the crowd; as has been tradition following Cruz vs. Monson grappling matches.  Monson will go on to get KO’d by Arlovski sometime in the fall.

Thiago Alves vs. Derrick Noble

Noble ha a win over Alves by rear naked choke.  Now Thiago gets a re-match and will likely get choked again seeing as that’s not the sort of thing you fluke into.

Terry Martin vs. Jason Lambert

Both of these guys are almost undefeated and have only one loss each.  Who gets to taste the sweet, spicy gumbo of defeat again?  My guess is Lambert; who will try to get the fight to the ground and find himself under the double jackhammers of Martin; who looks like a keg of beer with dreadlocks.