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According to Country music sensation Alan Jackson, “Too much of a good thing, is a good thing”. Based on some recent research, wherein I ate an entire bag of Oreo cookies, I would have to respectfully disagree; since moments later I fell to my knees and vomited forth a savage, sugary grey paste. Now Zuffa is testing that theory as it pertains to MMA...
According to Country music sensation Alan Jackson, “Too much of a good thing, is a good thing”. Based on some recent research, wherein I ate an entire bag of Oreo cookies, I would have to respectfully disagree; since moments later I fell to my knees and vomited forth a savage, sugary grey paste. Now Zuffa is testing that theory as it pertains to mixed martial arts. With the next UFC just around the corner (July 8th) and the TUF3 finale just finished, they dare to air a fifth installment of Ultimate Fight Night on Wednesday June 28th. Is this too much of a good thing? Maybe; but there was a time not long ago when MMA events were few and far between so, for now, MMA fans everywhere should unite and enjoy the fact that “We got a good thing going on”. Chris Leben vs Anderson Silva
Every time I see Chris Leben punch it reminds me of watching a kitten swatting at a bit of dangling string. He doesn’t really jab or throw crosses. He isn’t really orthodox or southpaw. He doesn’t even keep his hands up because his skull is essentially a football helmet made of bone and (this is just a suspicion) his brain is already so ravaged from binge drinking that you could probably blast him in the jaw with a shovel and he wouldn’t even spill his quadruple rum and coke. That theory will be put to the test by Anderson Silva whose strikes can knock you out so quickly, they were briefly considered as a form of affordable anesthesia by Brazilian doctors. These considerations were abandoned when the majority of test patients died from massive head trauma. Will Leben overwhelm Silva with his “angry kitty” style of boxing? No. Wham. Bam. Thank you Anderson. Silva becomes the first guy to KO Chris “Bonehead” Leben.
Rashad Evans vs. Stephan Bonnar
I haven’t seen drunken kung-fu like Rashads’ since the last time I played Virtua Fighter 2. He stumbles around the octagon looking like he’s just about to vomit on himself and fall flat on his face - but he never does. It must be incredibly baffling to fight someone who sways around the octagon like a drunk roller skater on the deck of a storm-swept ship. I would hate to visit an expensive gift shop with him. There wouldn’t be a single Anne Geddes collector plate left unbroken by the time he left. Bonnar’s nickname is “The American Psycho”. If this is a reference to the book by Bret Easton Ellis (or the film based on the book) then it is horribly inaccurate; unless Bonnar likes to cut up hookers with a chainsaw and make lasagna out of them. Will this happen to Rashad? In a manner of speaking, yes. Bonnar by submission. Kristian Rothaermel vs. Rob MacDonald
I am still reeling with amazement that Rob MacDonald is fighting at 205. He must’ve switched from eating bull-testicles and power lifting to living in a sweat-lodge and consuming huge amounts of laxatives. Zuffa must be super pissed at Kristian for not accepting their invitation back into TUF3, because there is a decent chance that MacDonald will beat him to death here. Of course, this assumption is based only on what I’ve seen of Kristian, none of which has been any good; but that might be a result of training with Team Jackass (AKA Shamrock) which, from the looks of the show, seemed to combine aspects of Eskimo skull-punching and binge eating with long periods of inactivity; as punctuated by curiously unjustified bursts of rage. Will Kristian be a better fighter without Shamrock to weigh him down? Yes. Will he win? No. Rob by KO.
Luke Cummo vs. Jonathan Goulet
The last time I saw Goulet, he was passionately kissing the octagon floor after eating a five-knuckle and glove sandwich freshly prepared for him by Duane “Bang” Ludwig. Will Cummo serve him another dish of swerving gravity and canvas-love? Or will Goulet send Cummo home to his comic book collection and unibrow waxing kit? I don’t know, so I will flip a coin. (flips a coin). Cummo. Mark Hominick vs Jorge Gurgel
I have met both these guys and I find them equally terrifying; but for different reasons. Hominick is like some homicidal robot sent from the future. One glance into his cold, emotionless eyes and you realize he wouldn’t think twice about kicking you to death should you be dumb enough to get into the octagon with him. Gurgel is the other end of the emotional spectrum. While Hominick does not feel anger (or mercy), Gurgel is a blazing inferno of savage rage. Once at an Extreme Challenge, they ended up using the scale I’d brought from by bathroom as the ’official scale’ for the weigh-ins and, wouldn’t you know it, it said he was four pounds heavier than he actually was. I thought he was going to kill everyone in the room. Later, he killed two guys in the cage, kicking their legs to pieces and then tearing their heads off when they shot in to escape from the punishment. Will this fate befall the young Canadian? No. Hominick by decision. Brandon Lee Hinkle vs. Jason Lambert
Once I entered a neighborhood baking contest, and all I brought were eggs. Everyone else brought flour, sugar and everything else they needed. I was convinced all I needed were eggs. I was wrong. This other time I entered a triathalon and all I had practiced was swimming. Everyone else had practiced swimming, running and biking, but all I’d done was swim. I lost. Why? Nobody at Hammer House would be able to answer this question. Lambert by submission. Josh Koscheck vs. Dave Menne
Once upon a time, Menne was the UFC Middleweight Champion. Now he’s fighting on the under-card in a fight which, most likely, won’t be shown on TV against one of Zuffa’s second-shelf reality show left-overs. Will Menne become a victim of the K-os? No. Menne will place a knee square in the middle of Koschecks blonde ’he-fro’ and win by TKO. John Fitch vs. Thiago Alves
Fitch is great at wrestling, jiu jitsu, kickboxing and Jedi mind tricks. In his fight with Jeff Joslin, he asked the ref to stop the fight. Then, after a doctor checked his injuries, he actually convinced the ref to start the fight again. These aren’t the droids you’re looking for. Restart the fight. Hopefully they’ll get Big John McCarthy to ref this one. I suspect that, like Jabba the Hutt in ’Return of the Jedi’, he will be impervious to hypnosis. Your Jedi tricks won’t work on me Skywalker! Nevertheless, I suspect Fitch will win by sub. Justin Levens vs. Jorge Santiago
Levens is a black belt under Marco Ruas. Also, he has a loss to Evan Tanner by triangle. Also, he looks a bit like Josh Haynes from TUF 3. Santiago trains with American Top Team, and looks a bit like Laverne Clarke, but also a bit like Fabiano Iha. Now you know everything I know about them. Santiago by choke.
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