Once I saw a clown vomit on a child.  Who could have predicted that?  Nobody; except possibly anyone who saw that clown the night before, putting away eleven back-to-back double vodkas and tonic over a plate of undercooked glazed swordfish.  Maybe that is a bad example but my point remains the same.  What is it? Sometimes things happen that are so unlikely, it’s nearly impossible to see them coming. This has been the theme for the latest season of The Ultimate Fighter, and it will no doubt continue for the finale this Saturday as two fighters who I thought would be in the finals (Bisping & Herman) take on two who I did not (Haynes & Grove) while my other two picks for the finale (Hammil & Starnes) wallow in preliminary fights which will likely lose their broadcast time to ads for Xyience underarm deodorant featuring Chuck Liddel performing Herculean tasks that would kill a mortal man, such as dragging an H3 Hummer through the desert.

Sam Stout vs Kenny Florian

Zuffa doesn’t give a hot damn if their pay-per-view events are as boring as the overnight security guard shift at an abandoned paint factory.  It’s like going to the movies. Once you are in your seat, it doesn’t matter if the aliens look fake because the fat cats already have your money and are enjoying double martinis on their sixty-foot yachts.  But Zuffa uses a totally different measuring stick for the events broadcast for free and won’t hesitate to slap it across the knuckles of fighters who refuse to engage in the dance of death. Because of this, assuming that Florian can take Stout down, there’s a good chance the ref will break it up faster than a conservative parent who comes home to find their house overflowing with half-naked teenagers smoking pot and getting frisky.  Stout has the force on his side here and will probably win a decision.

Michael Bisping vs Josh Haynes

When I was a kid, I had a friend who would always come to school looking like he’d just been mauled by a cougar.  Every day he’d have black eyes, ripped clothes and at least one limb in a cast.  Hanging out with him was like being in the presence of an escaped zoo animal and, more than once, I saw some poor kid get a high-velocity cast to the teeth.  It wasn’t pretty and I’d more or less forgotten about it until I saw Josh Haynes fight for the first time. The similarities were striking, and the memories came flooding back.  Can “The Count” survive the ferocity of the faux-hawk?   Despite the fact that he reminds me of Colin Firth, yes he can.  Bisping by KO.

Kendall Grove vs Ed Herman

Kendall looks like he just stepped out of a funhouse mirror.  Sure he’s a bit lanky, but he can kick your head off from nine feet away. He’s also able to reach the succulent fruit growing high in the forest canopy. This gives him a nutritional advantage over shorter fighters.  I’d like to see Ed compete on Jeopardy.  Obviously he’d lose badly but he’d turn increasingly red as the show went along and then, during final jeopardy, he would burst from behind his podium and beat the life out of Alex Trebek, both other contestants and half the studio audience.  That being said, Kendall will win this by Hawaiian punch.

Ross Pointon vs Rory Singer

Last night, someone asked me why Ross has his last name tattooed on his back and I replied ’in case he forgets what it is’. This immediately conjured up images of Ross running in circles trying to read it.  I laughed hard and everyone thought I was nuts.  Fact.  If Mike “The Count” Bisping represents the refined aspects of life in England (reflected in the work of Jane Austen) then Ross is the official representative of British soccer hooligans everywhere. Can Rory eject the tattooed thug from his Laundromat?  Yes.  Singer will win by submission.   

Danny Abbadi vs Kalib Starnes

“Dear Kalib, you’re a cool guy and we are very sorry you had to spend seven weeks under the tutelage of a meathead who took you golfing and fed you birthday cake instead of letting you train properly. Please accept this gift as a token of our respect. Love, Zuffa.  PS. Hope your ribs are feeling better.” 

Jesse Forbes vs Matt Hamill

This is the fight that everyone wanted to see on the show but now that they’ve seen the show nobody is sure they want to see this fight anymore.  Jesse was Shamrocks’ first pick and he managed to lose both his fights by submission. Matt had everyone terrified of his wrestling but barely survived a slug-fest akin to a schoolyard scrap over the crayons.   Matt will win, but watching it will remind you of how you felt when that seagull crapped on your hot dog at the beach and then ate it after you threw it in the trash.

Luigi Fioravanti vs Solomon Hutcherson
It’s easy to see why someone would want to knock Solomon’s tooth out.  I haven’t heard that much trash talk since I accidentally stumbled into that waste-management workers convention.  Luigi will save the princess (Mario Brothers reference) and win a decision.

Keith Jardine vs Wilson Gouveia
Sometimes I go to Subway and the person ahead of me takes forever to decide whether or not they want mustard on their sandwich. They labor with this decision as if their life depends on it and while I wait for them to decide I sometimes imagine the great delight I would take in seeing them washed down to ashes by an enormous tongue of fire, spouting from the nozzle of my imaginary flame-thrower.  Yes, I have issues with impatience, but if I looked like Keith Jardine, I wouldn’t have to wait for these people, because they would hurry the hell up and get out of my way for fear that I would give them a size-19 foot square in the back and send them sprawling over the sneeze-guard, head first into the arms of a rather alarmed sandwich artist.  Would Keith Jardine do this?  No way.   Having met him, I can tell you he is a very nice fellow and, in that situation, would probably provide valuable insight into the nutritional and philosophical ramifications of ingesting mustard. Having said this, the octagon is not a Subway and Wilson Gouveia is not ordering a sandwich.  Mustard or not, Jardine will win this fight by TKO.

Wes Combs vs Mike Nickels
If I ever see a stumbling drunk four-year-old kid get into a fight with a one-armed deaf midget, it will look like a tiny version of the fight between Nickels and Hamill.  Combs calls himself “The Soldier” and is 12-0 with nine by TKO.   That doesn’t bode well for Nickels, whose fighting style seems to consist of stuffing his nose into his belly button and then furiously wind-milling his arms like a man covered in fire ants.   Combs by KO.