This week on the Ultimate Fighter we were once again treated to not one, but two fights. The big twist this week was that one of the fights happened outside of the confinements of the steel octagon, but more on that later. Last week saw the culmination of the preliminary matches, and this week heralds the first of the quarterfinals. With that, Dana calls Jens and BJ into his office to decide on the match-ups. Like every other episode, simple activities such as picking fights end up almost starting a fight. Pulver and Penn can’t agree on whom should fight whom, but strangely Dana White and BJ have the exact same picks. Pulver doesn’t like this fishiness one bit, and feels like the two former enemies are now conspiring against him. This raises the tension even more, and some harsh words are exchanged between the former UFC champions. BJ says, “You’re getting knocked out on the 23rd,” to which Pulver responds, “I hope you’re stupid enough to stand up with me.” Dana, feeling the tension mounting, tells them to get the hell out of his office and announce the fights already.

 The announcements are made, and they stack up like this: Joe Lauzon will fight Cole Miller in the first quarterfinal; Gray Maynard will battle Brandon Melendez; Nate Diaz will confront team mate Corey Hill; and to finish Matt Wiman will throw down with Manny Gamburyan. These match-ups trouble Team Pulver a bit. Nate Diaz is bummed because he really wanted to fight Lauzon. Corey is also bummed, because in addition to having to fight his teammate he will probably end up getting tapped out. Team Penn feels the exact opposite, as all members unanimously are ecstatic with the brackets. Back at the house, Marlon Simms is getting shit housed off some tequila, specifically the one with the deer on it. While I don’t necessarily agree with his choice of tequila (Cabo Wabo would have been a better choice), after losing his fight there isn’t much else to do but get drunk. A bunch of the household members are sitting out back enjoying themselves when the magical power of tequila rears its ugly head. Marlon starts talking a little trash to Noah about how he wanted to fight him really bad. Marlon feels that Noah is the most worthless and talent less fighter in the house, and adds in that only wussies tap out. They get into it a little bit, and then Marlon gets up and flips over the seat that Noah is sitting in. Jackets and shoes start coming off, and what ensues is probably the best fight of this season.

The Monstah acts as impromptu referee while simultaneously assuring the guys that nobody is getting kicked out for this. Marlon stands there for a bit talking trash about how silly this is, when Noah sucker punches him. Noah utilizes this opportunity to take Marlon down, where Marlon immediately reverses while standing back up into the clinch. Marlon feeds Noah a nice knee to the liver before Noah jumps up into a flying guillotine choke. Marlon slams Noah’s back on the concrete garden curb, and then punches Noah in the face a lot. Noah attempts an armbar, which gets pretty deep. Someone in the crowd makes a remark about not tapping, and Marlon slips out and stands up. Marlon makes some comment about “backing off,” because he doesn’t want to get kicked out. He stands there for a minute talking to Noah, then as he looks away Noah throws a grazing right high kick to the jaw that pisses Marlon off. Sims commendably keeps his composure, and merely talks shit instead of fighting back. They exchange some words about finishing their squabble in the finals before walking back to the concrete patio. Here is where things get interesting. Marlon connects with a combination of punches that drop Noah, and Marlon lands a grazing kick while Noah is on his way down. Marlon grazes with a pseudo-stomp while Noah is on the ground before the fighters end up in a scramble. Somehow Marlon ends up in a guillotine choke again, which he pops out of only to find himself in another armbar. Marlon takes this time to showcase his street prowess, as he picks Noah up and spikes his head on the concrete twice. Noah of course lets go, stands up, and has a shit fit. Apparently no one informed Noah that going to the ground in a street fight is one of the stupidest things you can do. Oh yeah, by the way, Noah is now bleeding from the back of his head.

Andy Wang sums up the night’s events pretty well: “that’s what happens when you mix a lot of alcohol, a campfire, and some crazy white people.” The next day everyone is having a good time goofing around and cooking lobster when Dana White decides to pay a little visit to the house. You can almost hear everyone simultaneously shitting their pants once the big man walks through the front door. Dana starts the speech, and remarks that he is “fucking disgusted,” at least for the camera. In his head he was probably thinking “Jesus Christ in a handbasket, thank you so much! My ratings are going to shoot through the rooooooooof!” Regardless, Dana is bummed because for the past six years he’s been trying to prove that UFC fighters aren’t a bunch of drunken, street fighting “goons.” He ends his speech by kicking out Noah, Marlon, and the Monstah, who is getting kicked out for instigating and ironically assuring people that they would not be kicked out. The worst part about it is that they all have to sit next to each other on the van ride to the airport. So who’s going to finish cooking the lobster now?

Back at the house, the guys seem to be apathetic about the other’s leaving. So what else is there to do but train hard? Cole gets ready for Lauzon by working on his hands a lot. He remarks that the only times Lauzon has lost were when his opponents came out guns blazing and put the heat on him immediately. Cole looks to do that, but he needs to keep in mind that Lauzon will trying to do the same thing. Lauzon is a smart guy, and this trait shows a lot in his fighting. He looks for little traits in his opponents that will give him the advantage. Penn gives a little insight by expounding on Lauzon’s tremendous ground and pound skills, and Lauzon’s mental toughness. Before we know it the time has come for the second fight of the night. Round one begins and the two start scrapping immediately. Joe comes in low and catches a left kick in the face, but gets a takedown off of it. Cole reverses beautifully to take Joe’s back and locks in a tight rear choke. As the end looks near Joe slips out, but he’s still in a bad position. A few leg locks attempts later and Joe is on top delivering some harsh ground and pound. Cole works some good submissions from the bottom open guard, but with BJ helping out Joe manages to stay out of trouble and do damage. With time winding down Joe lands a pretty big elbow, and Cole still can’t get his submission game working. Back in the corner, BJ is ecstatic with Joe’s performance.

Round two begins with some trading in the center of the cage. Lauzon lands a nice left hook before getting a takedown to Cole’s guard. Cole gets an armbar but Joe punches his way out. Joe passes to side control, and lands a punch followed by an elbow to the back of the head, and Mazagatti deducts a point. Cole looks pretty hurt by the illegal strikes, and a doctor is called in to make sure everything is cool. Cole says he wants to continue, and the fight is restarted standing. Lauzon lights him up with a series of left hooks and right crosses, and he gets a nice takedown, passing immediately to back mount. Instead of trying for a sub, Joe elects to punch Cole into oblivion. Cole attempts a kneebar and a kimura, but is stifled. Cole ties up Joe’s hands, and Lauzon knees the thigh to break the grip. It works, and Joe continues the pounding until Mazagatti stops it with just about a minute left. Cole looks like he’s hurting bad. Post fight it becomes very apparent that the illegal elbow took a lot out of Cole, but he’s a true warrior and attempted to fight through the injury. Joe is bummed afterwards and tells everyone that he didn’t throw the elbow maliciously. The first quarterfinal ended up being a pretty good fight, fought at a fast pace. It’s too bad that the finish involved some controversy. Next week we have Gray Maynard versus Brandon Melendez. Will Gray’s wrestling be able to neutralize Brandon’s superior striking? We’ll find out next week on….THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER!!!