July 1st at the Saitama Arena in Japan, Pride will peel the next layer off their onion of insanity and unleash the second round of their ’Critical Countdown Absolute’ open weight tournament.  In the opening round, the heavyweights made a firm case for the use of weight categories by making a clean sweep over the middleweights.  In fact, the only middleweight to make it into the second round is Wanderlei Silva; who was ’awarded’ a spot in the tournament against the Japanese meat-grinder Kazuyuki Fujita, who is essentially a Honda Civic in spandex shorts.

Wanderlei Silva vs. Kazuyuki Fujita

Statistically, there is no difference between fighting Fujita and being crushed under a vending machine – except possibly for the fact that a vending machine doesn’t slam you on your head before crushing you – or if it does they don’t show that on the warning sticker.  Will Silva win?  Probably not.   Fujita looks like some quasi-Neolithic product of a Japanese selective breeding program designed to defeat the middleweight champ.  Namely, you could whack him square on the jaw with a shovel and he’d still be able to tackle a stampeding elephant to the ground. Now Fujita will do what countless other Japanese fighters could not and defeat Silva by GNP.

Josh Barnett vs. Mark Hunt

Barnett has all the tools to win this fight - but he won’t win.   Instead of taking Hunt down and choking him, Barnett will choose to stand and trade strikes.   Somewhere, Pedro Rizzo will see this and shake his head in disgust.  Only once he has taken the worst of the striking exchange will Barnett realize what every man, woman and child knew before he even got in the ring: He should take Hunt down.  By this time, however, he will be way too tired to do this and will lose a decision.  As usual, he will reflect on his flawed strategy during his post-fight interview.

Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira vs. Fabricio Werdum

I am still waiting to see a fight where two jiu jitsu champs square off and actually use jiu jitsu.  It has never happened, and I am beginning to doubt it ever will.   The idea of seeing two black belts in BJJ face each other in MMA conjures forth images of two men intertwined like snakes, exchanging submission attempts like two furious children locked in a high-speed game of rock, paper, scissors.  Instead, the invariable result is something that would look like boxing except one fighter keeps turning his back, running away and/or falling down.  Should we expect this here?  Probably.  So who is the better boxer?  Big Nog – who will win a decision over Werdum.

Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic vs. Hidehiko Yoshida

Yoshida always looks like he’s having an allergic reaction to some angry bees which he’s just snorted up his nose.  I can’t explain why.  Even before he gets in the ring, his face is kind of puffy somehow.  Perhaps his diet contains too much wasabi.  My point is: I can only imagine how balloon-esque his face will look after it goes on several high-impact prom dates with the foot of Mirko Cro Cop.  Frankly, I’ll be shocked if he can see out of either eye when it’s over.  That being said, I still expect Yoshida to win; likely by wrapping his gi around Cro Cops neck.

Pawel Nastula vs. Edson Drago

Nastula hasn’t won a fight in Pride and Drago hasn’t lost a fight, ever.  That doesn’t bode well for the Polish judoka who will likely eat a shot in the mush at some point and assume what is known in judo as the ’turtle defense’ and in MMA as the ’please punch me mercilessly in the side of the head until the ref is forced to stop the fight’ position.  Drago by TKO.

Vitor Belfort vs. Yoshiki Takahashi

I will slap the next person who talks about Belfort’s lightning fast hands. The man hasn’t been the same since Couture took him apart, and that was in 1932.  That being said, I thought that Yoshiki Takahashi had long ago gone to the Pancrase retirement home to enjoy the morphine, geisha girls and sake he so richly deserves after spending most of his life defending the honor of Japan from western invaders.  I guess I was wrong.  Still, I can’t decide who has the upper hand here.  Takahashi is in the evening of his career but Belfort’s mind may be on permanent hiatus from reality.  I will bet on ’old guy’ to beat ’crazy guy’.  Takahashi wins a decision.

Antonio Rogerio Nogueira vs. Alistair Overeem

The last time these two fought, Overeem managed to snatch defeat from the mouth of victory, or maybe he got screwed by the judges.  Will he lose again?  Likely not.  Much like ’the Borg’, from Star Trek: the Next Generation, once you’ve beaten Overeem he learns how to keep you from beating him the same way again.  Also, guys from BTT still seem too content to stay on their backs looking for a submission from the guard while opponents fire down shots.  Alistar has learned his lessons and will bring the winners cheque back to the happy land of legalized prostitution and reefer madness.  

Kazuhiro Nakamura vs. Evangelista ’Cyborg’ Santos

I seriously doubt that Santos is an actual cyborg.  After all, the height of Brazilian technology is currently the mango.  However, KazNak is undoubtedly the result of Japanese science gone wild in true Godzilla-movie fashion.  Speaking of movies, ’Cyborg’ (starring Jean Claude Van Damme) was lame.  For this reason alone, I think Nakamura will win by submission.

Yoshihiro Nakao vs. Lee Eun Su

I will bet you two dollars that Nakao does not give Lee Eun Su a friendly pre-fight peck on the lips.  Heath Herring reacted badly to that (He now lives in a shed in the desert) and Nakao ended up getting the worst post-smooch beatdown since ’Sexy’ Cindy Whitman’s dad caught you and her on the porch, going at it like two bullfrogs.  I don’t know who Lee Eun Su is; which can’t possibly be a good thing.  I’ll bet that, this time, Nakao does not end up KO’d in his man-diaper on national television and pulls out a win.