This weekend, Pride returns to the Yokohama arena to crown their second-ever middleweight Grand Prix champ. Of course, they don’t actually get a crown because that would be silly and mildly gay.  Instead, they get a belt, a big cheque covered in freaky-looking Japanese anime characters and a shot at the current champ Dan Henderson, who lost in the opening round but managed to keep his belt by sneaking out a bathroom window after his fight.  Now there will be no such trickery, as Pride explodes into action once again with, as usual, a card made up of the best fighters in the world, plus a few who are  pretty good and one or two who are obviously being brought in to lose in a wildly dramatic manner.

Kazuo Misaki (Japan / GRABAKA) vs. Paulo Filho (Brazil / Brazilian Top Team)

My girlfriend uses a lot of banana-scented body lotion.  I’ve always wondered what would happen if she were to fall into the gorilla pit at the zoo.  I have a feeling that Misaki is about to get a first hand experience of what that might be like.  Fighting Filho is like finding yourself trapped alone in a subway car with an incredibly athletic serial fondler.  He’s on you in a flash and, before you even get used to the feeling of his hot breath on your neck, it’s over and you’re lying on your therapists’ couch vividly recounting your recurring dreams wherein he springs out of salad bars and toilets to man-handle you all over again.  Filho doesn’t just submit you.  He violates your personal space on a fundamental level that even nine hot showers can’t wash away.  Misaki was able to out-class Henderson, but there will be no escape for him here.   Filho by decision.

Denis Kang (Korea / Spirit MC) vs. Akihiro Gono (Japan / GRABAKA)

I don’t often swear, because I like to save certain words for when they are truly appropriate.  That being said: Denis Kang is a scary f*cker.   Watching him fight is like watching “’When Animals Attack” on FOX.  Afterwards you feel mildly sick and sort of guilty for finding entertainment in such a grisly spectacle.  Gono is like some terrible combination of a wild dog and a sadistic algebra instructor.  He slow cooks his opponents through the opening rounds, and then turns up the heat in the last few minutes; which is when most fighters weigh their desire to win a fight against their desire to coast to a loss and thereafter comfort themselves with a wild night of sake, hot tubs and ring girls.  My guess: Kang won’t let this fight go past the first round. 
 
Denis Kang (Korea / Spirit MC) vs. Paulo Filho (Brazil / Brazilian Top Team)
 
There is only one page in the Paulo Filho playbook and everyone knows what it is.  Namely, he races across the ring like some kind of super-powered zombie grandmother who’s hell-bent on giving you a hug.   Kang knows this and will have prepared a surprise party buffet of fists and knees for him.   If all goes as planned, Kang walks away with the belt.

Hector Lombard (Australia / Yoshida Dojo) vs. Gegard Mousasi (Holland / Red Devil International)
 
You hardly ever see Australians hanging out with the Dutch, which explains why you never hear people yelling “Help!  There is a kangaroo loose in my windmill”.  Lombard is like Kevin Randleman’s long-lost brother.  He’ll come across the ring like he’s been shot out of a canon and probably eat a high-velocity knee from the other direction.   Following this, he’ll latch onto Mousasi like an enraged koala bear and grind out a decision.

Takanori Gomi (Japan / Kugeyama Rascal Gym) vs. Marcus Aurelio (Brazil / American Top Team)
 
Will Aurelio choke the piss out of Gomi again?  Or, this time, will Gomi knock the piss out of Aurelio?  Either way, they better have the mop boys ready to clean up the piss, because some piss is going to be getting knocked or choked out of someone.  My guess: Gomi wins.

Ikuhisa Minowa (Japan / Freelance) vs. Mike Barton (U.S.A. / Freelance)
 
There used to be a WWE tag team called “The Smoking Gunns” one of whom was a guy named Bart Gunn.  That is Mike Barton.   How did he get into Pride?  I guess there was some kind of internal wager amongst Pride officials to see who could find the most-obscure and least-qualified opponent for Minowa to face.   Minowa by submission: round one.
 
Shinya Aoki (Japan / Paraestra Tokyo) vs. Gilbert Melendez (U.S.A. / Jake Shields Fighting Team)
 
What’s it like to fight Shinya Aoki?  Wrap a boa constrictor around your neck and then get four crocodiles to attack your arms and legs.  For bonus points, make sure they are wearing yellow spandex banana pants.  Aoki wins by submission.
 
Nobuhiro Obiya (Japan / Kiguchi Dojo Wrestling School) vs. Luiz ’Buscape’ Firmino (Brazil / Brazilian Top Team)
 
I wonder what ’Buscape’ means in Portuguese?  I wonder if it means “guy who’s fight is in the middle of the show and will probably be a good fight, but I’ll miss it because I’ll be in the bathroom or maybe going to get some nachos”.  Firmino by decision.
 
Murilo Bustamante (Brazil / Brazilian Top Team) vs. Yoon Don Sik (Korea / Takada Dojo)
 
Don Sik has not won an MMA fight yet and I don’t see him starting here.  Remember, it wasn’t long ago that Bustamante was only one dirty-Dan-Henderson-headbutt away from winning the belt.  Murilo will Busta the Korean’s nose and win.
 
Sanae Kikuta (Japan / GRABAKA) vs. Jean Francois Lenogue (France / Freelance)
 
Before you discount Lenogue as just another sissy Frenchman, I feel obliged to point out that he recently fought to a draw with Yuki Kondo, who KO’d Kikuta back in 2003.  Will beat-down-math apply?  No.  Kikuta wins by submission, round 1.
 
Mitsuhiro Ishida (Japan / T-BLOOD) vs. David Bielkheden (Sweden / Brazilian Top Team)
 
Bielkheden is from Sweden.  I once knew a guy from Sweden and whenever he would fight I would yell “Swede!  Swede!” and he would yell back “I can’t sweep from here!”  In retrospect, I think he had a hearing problem.   Ishida by decision.
 
Yoshiro Maeda (Japan / Pancrase Inagaki-gumi) vs. Joe Pearson (U.S.A. / Miletich Martial Arts)
 
Maeda has 11 TKO wins.  Pearson has 13 submission victories.  Who wins the classic striker vs. grappler battle?  Back in the day, I’d bet my house on the grappler.  These days?   I’ll bet my prize-winning goose on the striker.  Maeda by TKO.