This Friday, DSE continues to press the boundaries of sanity as they tear another page out of their already wafer-thin rulebook to present Total Elimination Absolute. Curiously, the card seems rather conservative considering the no-weight-category nature of the tournament and DSEs much-demonstrated love for mismatches.
This Friday, DSE continues to press the boundaries of sanity as they tear another page out of their already wafer-thin rulebook to present Total Elimination Absolute. Curiously, the card seems rather conservative considering the no-weight-category nature of the tournament and DSEs much-demonstrated love for mismatches. Also, it seems weird for Pride to have an open-weight tournament considering theyve never paid much attention to weight classes anyway.
Rodrigo Nogueira vs. Zuluzinho
A friend of mine once had a job where he got dressed up in a big novelty mascot dog suit and went to a soccer game cheer on the crowd. Tragically, things went horribly wrong and the crowd attacked him, pulled the head off his suit off and gave him the worst beating of his life. Zuluzinho will have a similar experience here. Nog by KO.
Alistair Overeem vs. Fabricio Werdum
Fabricio Werdums takedown has all the grace and dignity of a guy flying out of a shopping cart after trying unsuccessfully to ride it down an enormous sand dune. Alistair Overeem should be sponsored by an airline since, like a plane, he flies through the air until he runs out of gas, at which point he crashes and burns. Can the flying Dutchman beat the gangly-limbed Brazilian? Yes. Werdum will eat a knee that will gently nudge him over the edge of reality into the blissful sea of unconsciousness.
Kazuyuki Fujita vs. James Thompson
Much like Big Ben, James Thompson is both enormous and predictable. He races across the ring and punches you hard in the face til someone falls down. Sometimes its you. Sometimes its him. Look for Fujita to meet his charge head-on and, after landing the deepest-penetrating double-leg in the history of MMA, win by TKO. Call me crazy but I dont think Thompson will have a slick guard.
Mirko Filipovic vs. Ikuhisa Minowa
Filipovic is killer instinct embodied. Has he ever laughed? Yes, and everyone who heard it died of fright. Minowa is as crazy as Cro Cop but in a more mad scientist way. Hes probably training by having two dudes with bamboo swords beat on him while he plays solitaire (to develop concentration). Either way; Cro Cop will win by KO and Minowa will go back to his fight lab for more highly-experimental training.
Aleksander Emelianenko vs. Josh Barnett
I dont care how popular MMA gets. You will never see Aleksander Emelianenko on a box of cereal; unless that cereal is Death-Os and, instead of milk, youre supposed to pour octopus ink on them. On the other hand, Josh Barnett looks quite a bit like Christopher Reeve, dont you think? I do. And he should relish those boyish good looks while he can because I will bet you two shiny rubles that Emelianenko will maul him like hes the new kid in the gulag, on route to winning a very ugly decision.
Hidehiko Yoshida vs. Yosuke Nishijima
Nishijima took an impressively thorough beating from Mark Hunt. Now DSE gives him the opportunity to have the crap choked out of him by another fighter who is way, way out of his league. Whoever heard about walking before running? Not DSE apparently. Throw the rookies to the wolves! Yoshida wins by armlock in round one.
Mark Hunt vs. Tsuyoshi Kohsaka
I am absolutely convinced that you could cut off each of Kohsakas toes with a bread knife and, throughout the entire experience his facial expression would not change. I have seen statues of communist dictators that have more levity in their demeanor than TK. That being said, I expect Hunt to test his resolve by swatting him around the ring like a furious crossing guard who has finally lost his mind and assaulted the bratty little bastard whos been tormenting him for years. Hunt by TKO.
Gilbert Yvel vs. Roman Zentsov
Gilbert Yvel wins the silver medal in the race to crown the worlds most villainous Dutchman and loses the top spot by a slight margin to Goldmember, from Austin Powers 3. Sometimes I think Yvel would be better off in professional wrestling, where you can bite your opponent on the face and all the referee does is count to ten. His understanding of rules seems about as firm as Hitlers grasp on humanitarianism. Noteworthy moments of his career include KOing a referee, eye-gouging Don Frye and giving Vanderlei Silva a freshly-carved Dutch clog straight in his Brazilian cashews. Roman Zentsov KOd Pedro The Rock Rizzo. Can he take The Hurricaine? Im no meteorologist but I dont think so. Yvel will win by KO after getting two yellow cards for scratching and nut-kicking like an angry hooker.