Normally, a Pride event will have one or two “freak show” fights; where a famous Japanese actor fights someone suffering from gigantism, but Pride 31 “Unbreakable” takes it to the next level. Reading the line-up fills your head with such bizarre juxtaposing images it takes all your effort not to fall to the floor overcome with nausea, confusion and vertigo.  It’s like peering into the mind of a madman and then having to fight the iron grip of dementia to keep your mental grasp on reality.

Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira vs. Kiyoshi Tamura

Kiyoshi Tamura was supposed to fight Sakuraba on New Years Eve, but contract negotiations fell through.  Now he’s agreed to fight “Minotauro”. That’s like saying you don’t like Tabasco sauce and then ordering a shot of napalm.  Tamura has a submission loss to “Minotauro” and probably hopes to avenge that here but he won’t.  "Minotauro" has a 50-pound weight advantage and vastly superior skills.  This fight is going to look like the time your uncle caught that kid picking radishes out of his garden.  “Big Nog” by spank-down and submission; round 1

Quinton Jackson vs. Dong Sik Yoon

Traditionally, whenever Pride is given a home-town boy, they light his hair on fire, load him into the Kamikaze war plane and send him to meet his doom at the hands of a larger, more experienced opponent. Apparently, Pride has now extended this ’courtesy’ to their Korean friends. Dong Sik Yoon is 0-2 in Pride and is facing the former #1 contender for the middleweight belt.  They might as well wrap his genitals in bacon and throw him into a pit of wolves.  Yoon will be badly injured and will spend at least a month in the hospital while they search the stadium for his eyes, which will fire like Nerf rockets into the bleachers after Jackson smashes his head like a ripe melon.  The only good news for Dong Sik Yoon is that Jackson has “mellowed” in the last few years and now has a “no killing” policy.  Nevertheless, Jackson wins by Round 1 KO. 

Josh Barnett vs. Kazuhiro Nakamura

For the third time in one night, one fighter will have a fifty-pound weight advantage.  Barnett might be larger but in his last fight (vs. Mirko Cro Cop) he demonstrated that he has the capacity to lose any fight.  KazNak is like mecha-godzilla; created by Japanese scientists to battle whatever giant monsters appear to threaten Japan.  Still, Barnett has a lot of “junk in the trunk” and KazNak may have trouble getting the wide-load gadunkadunk of Barnett onto the mat.  Add that to the superior kickboxing skills of Barnett and the result is: Barnett wins a close decision over the smaller, less experienced fighter.

Mark Coleman vs. Mauricio “Shogun” Rua

Scientists should study the Hammer House training facility because, strangely, time does not seem to pass there.  Every fighter who comes out of the building thinks it is 1997 and that all you need to win in MMA is a 900-pound bench press, a ten-foot vertical jump and decent wrestling credentials.  Sadly, this is no longer the case, which is why Coleman has lost to the best fighters in the heavyweight division (Fedor, Cro Cop, Big Nog) while “Shogun” has beaten the best of the middleweights (Arona, Overeem, Little Nog, Jackson).  Can a great middleweight beat an out-of-date heavyweight?  I think so.  This fight is like a duel between a guy with a club and a guy behind the wheel of a rocket-powered hovercraft with laser cannons.  Coleman will not KO or submit Rua and given that Pride loves Chute Boxe; they will stand this fight up at every opportunity. That spells doom for Coleman; who will lose by KO in Round 2.

Sergei Kharitonov vs. Alistair Overeem

Kharitonov fights like it’s the battle of Stalingrad and his corner men have orders to shoot him if he retreats.  Overeem is nine feet tall and throws flying knees with such height and speed they appear briefly on radar screens at local airports, momentarily terrifying air traffic controllers.  Unfortunately, Overeem is like a large American car which, though powerful and fast, burns gas like a flaming oil refinery.  The Russian is too crafty to be KO’d by a flying knee and won’t shoot in and fall prey to Overeem’s guillotine.  Kharitonov will win a decision and return to the freezing steppes of Russia while Overeem will return in defeat to Amsterdam, where legalalized prostitution and public marijuana cafes will make for poor consolation.

Tsuyoshi Kohsaka vs. Mario Sperry

This is the best fight on the card; which means that Pride matchmakers probably put it together at the last minute after Giant Silva requested a break.  Kohsaka has the best poker face in MMA.  Even while he’s being put in positions that would make a circus contortionist scream out in agony, his facial expression never sways from a stern stare that’s slightly reminiscent of a ruthless communist dictator.  That has to have a psychological affect on your opponent.  Mario Sperry used to have the same thing going on; which got him the nickname “the Zen Machine”, but these days, whenever you see him fight, he’s sweating like a race-horse and changing colors like a sick octopus; which gives him the overall appearance of someone who is about to vomit up their still-beating heart and expire from nine different, yet equally severe, medical conditions.  Kohsaka has never been submitted in MMA.  Will Mario Sperry be the first to catch him?  No.  Mario Sperry will control the fight, Kohsaka will escape from a variety of bad positions and, provided he doesn’t die of a heart attack, Mario Sperry will earn the decision victory. 

Mark Hunt vs. Yosuke Nishijima

Yosuke Nishijima is a 190-pound boxer who has never fought MMA before, which means he may as well come into the ring blindfolded and smoking a stick of dynamite.  When Mark Hunt fought Mirko Cro Cop and Wanderlei Silva, he took numerous shots that would’ve sent most fighters to the hospital where a team of surgeons would’ve had to stay up all night putting their skull back together humpty-dumpty style.  Hunts reaction?  Only a slight change in facial expression, like someone who thinks they maybe smell something funny on an elevator.  He walked through their strikes like a rhino through a cloud of mosquitoes.  Now he’s got a 50-pound weight advantage against a guy who doesn’t kick or grapple. I hope Nishijima has updated his will recently, because he’s going to take a thrashing that will make a prison riot seem like a picnic. Hunt by KO round 1,

Pedro Rizzo vs. Roman Zentsov

The Pride “Welcome Wagon” was unkind to Pedro Rizzo.  In fact, you could say that Sergei Kharitonov drove it directly over the Brazilian and then backed over him again in “angry housewife” fashion. Now they match Rizzo up with Roman Zentsov - whose 10-10 record shines with mediocrity. Rizzo is a counter-puncher who thrives on KO’ing lumbering giants who charge right at him swinging wildly (ala Josh Barnett, Tra Telligman and Tank Abbot).  Does Zentsov know this?  Yes.  Does he think it will happen to him?  No.  Is he wrong?  Yes.  Rizzo will win by KO in round 1.

Jon Olav Einemo vs. Fabricio Werdum

Werdum will use the same “shoot & scoot” strategy that cost him the fight against Kharitonov.  Will it work here?  Not on your life.  Einemo is a world grappling champ with a win over Roger Gracie in Abu Dhabi.  Werdum will take a beating on the feet, then take a worse beating once he shoots and pulls guard, only to find that (unlike Kharitonov) Einemo is happy to join him on the mat to dispense all-you-can-eat knuckle-sandwiches.  Einemo will win a unanimous decision.